If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cannot find my penis.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
