And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
