tell your sister to shave her snatch
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
