she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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