I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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