I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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