I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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