my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
