My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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