this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
