I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
