There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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