Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
