So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
