sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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