accomplished twins. life is a go
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
