I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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