Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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