I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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