Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
