You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She bit a glass in half.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dear god my vagina.
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