My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
