I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize