im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
