im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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