Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
