i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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