i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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