sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
