moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
