Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
