my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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