I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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