By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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