I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
