I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
