she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Randomize
