saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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