She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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