I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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