matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize