Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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