All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
