just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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