They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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