I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you remember whose house we're in?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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