so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
