Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
