Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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