mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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