How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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