In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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