girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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