i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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