I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
