So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
